Assalamualaikum,
I am in that state that's trying to deal with the changes surrounding me. I dint feel it months ago since I hijrah since during that time, I was done with school and haven't started college. Now, I can feel it's testing my eeman. Now that I am in college especially being in a private college, I'm dealing with all this social activity that's happening that is no longer appropriate for me to attend. Back then, while I was in school.. I was always up to those school activity parties and always participating in the events and performances but now, things changed. This is a 360 change. Bear that I am not complaining but this is just a gesture of expressing how is it like for me and what triggers my istiqomah process.
There was an event that occured last Thursday in college. It was called 'Freshman Night'. I attended since the attendance for freshmans were compulsary. I stayed for about half an hour and left after maghrib. It dint feel comfortable to me and it felt like it wasn't my place. I have to admit, it is hard. Most of my friends are not in the same pace as I am and most of my friends are indians and chinese in college so its not a big deal. Thank God for having two friends of mine that's in hijab so at least I know I'm not alone. There's an upcoming party that's happening this Thursday which is called 'Street Party' and it seems like everybody is talking about it and everybody is going, everybody but me. Like I said, I have to admit it is pretty hard, feeling left out and knowing that after class everybody seems to have a plan after and I have to head home. Like my previous post. I posted about me being boring and mundane as a person but maybe its the fact that my lifestyle is changing. These are called 'dugaan'. Yes, my life is plain and no longer happening but even though it is tough but I'm okay with it. I know this is the best place to be and I know all this patience of my dugaan thats occuring to me will be awarded if I do good, that is, Insyaallah.
I love singing, music has been my passion. Music is even in the family. I was told that I'm pretty good at this passion of mine. My whole family well except for Mama are all talented in music and into music. Now that I've changed, the upcoming events in college or maybe before when somebody gets married like for example kak jihan's wedding before, my siblings including myself sang for her wedding well.... Goodbye to those! Goodbye to participating in performances. That is no longer. Apparently, even our voices are aurats. It is tough to say goodbye to something I love but I love my religion more. I shall save it for performances in the bathroom or for my future husband. I'm guessing that's why my parents dont mind me blasting the music in my room once in awhile and making my room sound like there's a gig happening inside.
Family gatherings were one of my 1sts events after I hijrah. My cousins and I have this thing where every time we meet we hug and give kisses on the cheeks and this time, every time I see them I dont hand out my hand to salam. A smile and a greeting is now how I greet them. At 1st, some of the guys came to me and wanted to shake my hand and i immediately looked down and showed that hand gesture that I dont salam and they'd be like "owhhh" and walkaway. The first time was pretty awkward but I think they now understand. For some of them actually understood as I walked in from the start and they saw I was in hijab and they greeted me with a smile and with respect they did not salam. Now everything is just easy but those who dont understand for instance like, friends for the ones who understands and respect they dont need to go through the awkward situation but for the ones who doesnt understand, its not a situation which I enjoy. What I dont quiet understand is, the ones that are not muhrim of course, the Muslims guys, well... dont they understand? Dont they have any respect? You dont just come shaking a girl's hand esp when she's in a proper menutup aurat attire. Well, yea.. even if she doesnt wear a hijab, U shouldnt salam, as a sign of respect but hey its a pretty common thing amongst them but for the ones who does wear a hijab, dont u have any sense not to shake their hands? if they (the guys) are non muslims, I understand and I dont mind explaining why but to explain and to be in that awkward situation amongst the muslim guys well... come on... U really do not want to be going through that situation and acting as if U do not know at all. Personally, that just shows lack of respect.
Relationships, well... Yes, I am seeing someone for the past one year + and he is the one who has been my source of strength through out my experience. He has been my cheerleader and my back bone. It is pretty much complicated at times ( well most of the time), it is rough, cant lie but above all that I know I have someone to depend on. He has seen me change and he has been there from day one of my process of changing and seen my progress. He was with me from before and after my hijrah. It was tough at 1st, yes we held hands before just like them out there like normal couples but as I hijrah, he has played a big role. In fact, he was one of the happiest person to see me change and he has always supported me. The best part is, not only did I hijrah my lifestyle but so did he. He is more religious than I am, that I can say. He may not be perfect but I know he is a good man for me. He has been taking care of my aurat too and supported in my education in giving me strength to go through hardships. Friends that know him say Im lucky and its hard to find someone like him in this time especially that can blend with me as he is also weird and that can be patient with someone as indecisive as I am and not to mention complicated BUT most importantly to have the same ultimate goal as I do. If I am lucky, Alhamdulillah. All praises to Allah and I do hope it persists. I do hope to take this relationship to another level and do the right thing but that's the twist! My father disapproves. My father is an old fashion man. The guy Im seeing is a creative designer and working in Utusan which for me, I'm okay with that. He's doing pretty good but for my father being a creative designer isn't professional. He wants me to be with someone like a doctor, a lawyer, that sort of profession but he doesnt see what's most important but oh well! lets leave that to Allah. I believe, when U desire for something good mesti ada jalan. He will bukakkan pintu rezeki, he will bukakkan hati, Insyaallah. Other than my father, all is good. My mum likes him, my siblings love him and so does my nephew, Harris and Hanna's too small to judge! ;p If it doesnt happen for him and I, well it is not meant to be but if it is, Ahamdulillah. I know, Insyaallah I'll be in good hands. If he is stated to be mine, he will be mine. That's Allah's job to determine not mine. My job is to doa for the best.
To sum it all up, my journey has been one roller coaster ride. I take dugaan as a sign of Allah loves me, that's why He is giving me dugaan to challenge my eeman and to make me a better person at the end of the day and increase my inner-self and to bring me closer to Him. Till today, I am still adapting with my lifestyle changes and staying strong to istiqomah with my amalans and struggling to be comfortable in my own skin. Truth is, it isn't easy but it is all worth it if U know what's the purpose of U living on earth. All is for Him. What Ur friends may think is ugly or out of date may be beautiful to The Almighty, Allah s.w.t. Nothing is easy in life but never complain, always Doa. Always take the negativity and turn it into a positive thing for U. I can complain and sulk and be pissed about 101 things everyday but why should I? I am thankful for all the blessings that He has given me. If U think Ur life is terrible, there are always others who is living in a more terrible situation than U are. If U think U are religious enough, good enough, there are other people that are better than U. Live moderately and always be thankful.
Wassalam,
Jazakallah Khayran
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Alhamdulillah.. :')
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