Assalamualaikum,
I am in that state that's trying to deal with the changes surrounding me. I dint feel it months ago since I hijrah since during that time, I was done with school and haven't started college. Now, I can feel it's testing my eeman. Now that I am in college especially being in a private college, I'm dealing with all this social activity that's happening that is no longer appropriate for me to attend. Back then, while I was in school.. I was always up to those school activity parties and always participating in the events and performances but now, things changed. This is a 360 change. Bear that I am not complaining but this is just a gesture of expressing how is it like for me and what triggers my istiqomah process.
There was an event that occured last Thursday in college. It was called 'Freshman Night'. I attended since the attendance for freshmans were compulsary. I stayed for about half an hour and left after maghrib. It dint feel comfortable to me and it felt like it wasn't my place. I have to admit, it is hard. Most of my friends are not in the same pace as I am and most of my friends are indians and chinese in college so its not a big deal. Thank God for having two friends of mine that's in hijab so at least I know I'm not alone. There's an upcoming party that's happening this Thursday which is called 'Street Party' and it seems like everybody is talking about it and everybody is going, everybody but me. Like I said, I have to admit it is pretty hard, feeling left out and knowing that after class everybody seems to have a plan after and I have to head home. Like my previous post. I posted about me being boring and mundane as a person but maybe its the fact that my lifestyle is changing. These are called 'dugaan'. Yes, my life is plain and no longer happening but even though it is tough but I'm okay with it. I know this is the best place to be and I know all this patience of my dugaan thats occuring to me will be awarded if I do good, that is, Insyaallah.
I love singing, music has been my passion. Music is even in the family. I was told that I'm pretty good at this passion of mine. My whole family well except for Mama are all talented in music and into music. Now that I've changed, the upcoming events in college or maybe before when somebody gets married like for example kak jihan's wedding before, my siblings including myself sang for her wedding well.... Goodbye to those! Goodbye to participating in performances. That is no longer. Apparently, even our voices are aurats. It is tough to say goodbye to something I love but I love my religion more. I shall save it for performances in the bathroom or for my future husband. I'm guessing that's why my parents dont mind me blasting the music in my room once in awhile and making my room sound like there's a gig happening inside.
Family gatherings were one of my 1sts events after I hijrah. My cousins and I have this thing where every time we meet we hug and give kisses on the cheeks and this time, every time I see them I dont hand out my hand to salam. A smile and a greeting is now how I greet them. At 1st, some of the guys came to me and wanted to shake my hand and i immediately looked down and showed that hand gesture that I dont salam and they'd be like "owhhh" and walkaway. The first time was pretty awkward but I think they now understand. For some of them actually understood as I walked in from the start and they saw I was in hijab and they greeted me with a smile and with respect they did not salam. Now everything is just easy but those who dont understand for instance like, friends for the ones who understands and respect they dont need to go through the awkward situation but for the ones who doesnt understand, its not a situation which I enjoy. What I dont quiet understand is, the ones that are not muhrim of course, the Muslims guys, well... dont they understand? Dont they have any respect? You dont just come shaking a girl's hand esp when she's in a proper menutup aurat attire. Well, yea.. even if she doesnt wear a hijab, U shouldnt salam, as a sign of respect but hey its a pretty common thing amongst them but for the ones who does wear a hijab, dont u have any sense not to shake their hands? if they (the guys) are non muslims, I understand and I dont mind explaining why but to explain and to be in that awkward situation amongst the muslim guys well... come on... U really do not want to be going through that situation and acting as if U do not know at all. Personally, that just shows lack of respect.
Relationships, well... Yes, I am seeing someone for the past one year + and he is the one who has been my source of strength through out my experience. He has been my cheerleader and my back bone. It is pretty much complicated at times ( well most of the time), it is rough, cant lie but above all that I know I have someone to depend on. He has seen me change and he has been there from day one of my process of changing and seen my progress. He was with me from before and after my hijrah. It was tough at 1st, yes we held hands before just like them out there like normal couples but as I hijrah, he has played a big role. In fact, he was one of the happiest person to see me change and he has always supported me. The best part is, not only did I hijrah my lifestyle but so did he. He is more religious than I am, that I can say. He may not be perfect but I know he is a good man for me. He has been taking care of my aurat too and supported in my education in giving me strength to go through hardships. Friends that know him say Im lucky and its hard to find someone like him in this time especially that can blend with me as he is also weird and that can be patient with someone as indecisive as I am and not to mention complicated BUT most importantly to have the same ultimate goal as I do. If I am lucky, Alhamdulillah. All praises to Allah and I do hope it persists. I do hope to take this relationship to another level and do the right thing but that's the twist! My father disapproves. My father is an old fashion man. The guy Im seeing is a creative designer and working in Utusan which for me, I'm okay with that. He's doing pretty good but for my father being a creative designer isn't professional. He wants me to be with someone like a doctor, a lawyer, that sort of profession but he doesnt see what's most important but oh well! lets leave that to Allah. I believe, when U desire for something good mesti ada jalan. He will bukakkan pintu rezeki, he will bukakkan hati, Insyaallah. Other than my father, all is good. My mum likes him, my siblings love him and so does my nephew, Harris and Hanna's too small to judge! ;p If it doesnt happen for him and I, well it is not meant to be but if it is, Ahamdulillah. I know, Insyaallah I'll be in good hands. If he is stated to be mine, he will be mine. That's Allah's job to determine not mine. My job is to doa for the best.
To sum it all up, my journey has been one roller coaster ride. I take dugaan as a sign of Allah loves me, that's why He is giving me dugaan to challenge my eeman and to make me a better person at the end of the day and increase my inner-self and to bring me closer to Him. Till today, I am still adapting with my lifestyle changes and staying strong to istiqomah with my amalans and struggling to be comfortable in my own skin. Truth is, it isn't easy but it is all worth it if U know what's the purpose of U living on earth. All is for Him. What Ur friends may think is ugly or out of date may be beautiful to The Almighty, Allah s.w.t. Nothing is easy in life but never complain, always Doa. Always take the negativity and turn it into a positive thing for U. I can complain and sulk and be pissed about 101 things everyday but why should I? I am thankful for all the blessings that He has given me. If U think Ur life is terrible, there are always others who is living in a more terrible situation than U are. If U think U are religious enough, good enough, there are other people that are better than U. Live moderately and always be thankful.
Wassalam,
Jazakallah Khayran
X
Tuesday 25 September 2012
Monday 24 September 2012
Assalamualaikum,
First of all, I did not expect that my blog would be viewed nor read by anyone. Like I stated in my first post that this was meant for me, a place to express, a place to practice writing but then again, it is on the net! How can I not expect people to not read but Alhamdulillah, I hope this is a place to share my thoughts with the ones who read and probably gain a lil something from this and maybe a place where someone who reads can go "Omg, Im not alone! She feels the same way too!" Moving on...
I was talking to a new friend of mine and we were having that kind of conversation where questions are being asked about U, Urself. That sorta thing. So, as we were talking suddenly I realised OMG! I am such a mundane person! Im such a boring person! I dont hang out that much now, I'm always with my family or in college with friends or probably when I crave for food Ill call a close friend of mine to teman to fulfill my cravings. Other than that... WELL THAT'S IT! I can say I'm socially awkward, I dont fit in so much with my high school friends anymore. We've all gone to different paths and easy to say, we're all different now. Not just high school friends but some cliques that I cant click. Now that I hijrah, I kinda am picky with the places I hang out at. It's depressing kind to think of it but I guess that's just how it goes and eventhough it might seem boring but I'm okay with it. I'm complex in my own way but mundane in my social life. Truth is, its better! Ive been through friendships that hurt so many times so,sometimes its better to be Ur own bestfriend but then again I have friends around me whom I've started to love in college or my high school friends, though we dont hang out much, memories will always be cherished or even friends that I made through out my years that are still in contact! U see, people may come and go in our lives but its the memories that stays within us. Good times are meant to be cherished, and the bad... well those are the ones we call experience. Thats the beauty of learning. It's experience that grows U as a person. Mundane or not, Alhamdulillah for everything that I have been receiving from The Almighty. Syukur seribu nikmat.
Wassalam,
XOXOXOXOXOXOXO
First of all, I did not expect that my blog would be viewed nor read by anyone. Like I stated in my first post that this was meant for me, a place to express, a place to practice writing but then again, it is on the net! How can I not expect people to not read but Alhamdulillah, I hope this is a place to share my thoughts with the ones who read and probably gain a lil something from this and maybe a place where someone who reads can go "Omg, Im not alone! She feels the same way too!" Moving on...
I was talking to a new friend of mine and we were having that kind of conversation where questions are being asked about U, Urself. That sorta thing. So, as we were talking suddenly I realised OMG! I am such a mundane person! Im such a boring person! I dont hang out that much now, I'm always with my family or in college with friends or probably when I crave for food Ill call a close friend of mine to teman to fulfill my cravings. Other than that... WELL THAT'S IT! I can say I'm socially awkward, I dont fit in so much with my high school friends anymore. We've all gone to different paths and easy to say, we're all different now. Not just high school friends but some cliques that I cant click. Now that I hijrah, I kinda am picky with the places I hang out at. It's depressing kind to think of it but I guess that's just how it goes and eventhough it might seem boring but I'm okay with it. I'm complex in my own way but mundane in my social life. Truth is, its better! Ive been through friendships that hurt so many times so,sometimes its better to be Ur own bestfriend but then again I have friends around me whom I've started to love in college or my high school friends, though we dont hang out much, memories will always be cherished or even friends that I made through out my years that are still in contact! U see, people may come and go in our lives but its the memories that stays within us. Good times are meant to be cherished, and the bad... well those are the ones we call experience. Thats the beauty of learning. It's experience that grows U as a person. Mundane or not, Alhamdulillah for everything that I have been receiving from The Almighty. Syukur seribu nikmat.
Wassalam,
XOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Saturday 8 September 2012
WOMEN
Assalamualaikum! (if there is anybody reading)
Hari ni at exactly 12:43 pm the time i am starting to write.. I shall write about as you can see up there, the title is 'Women'. Yes, 'Women'. What about Women? I'm not even sure if I'm even cut out to write about Women and not even sure I am a woman yet. So, what is a Woman? The dictionary says its the female human being, an adult female person,a female attendant to a lady of rank,a wife, a sweetheart or paramour;mistress (whuuutt???) These are the definition of the word 'Woman' in the dictionary but in your very own point of view... what is a Woman? what are Women? Yes, a plural of women (obviously) but what is ur definition of a Woman?
In my point of view, I can define it in one word which is STRONG. I grew up around women that are strong, well at least I was raised by one. My mother, she is the strongest person I know. The most patient, the most strongest, a woman I personally admire most. Apart from my mother whom I love and admire most, I saw women in front of me as I grew.. They were mistreated, they were left by husbands, they raised their own kids, they're the ones who go out to cari rezeki to put food on the table for their kids. Well, for me... my mother's case was different. 18 years of my life, i lived in a perfect imperfect world where I had both of my parents but for personal reasons I know what my Mum had to go through. Lets let that remain private. I'm not here to talk about my Mum but I'm here to talk about how these other women that I've seen go through their lives. Contoh terdekat is my sister, Kak Jihan. Married twice, 1st husband left when my nephew, Harris was 3 months old. Never gave nafkah, never took the responsibility. 2nd marriage, he was in his own world. Suka hati nak balik, tak nak balik during the marriage. Left after a week or less after my niece, Hanna was born. Never gave nafkah, even the hospital bill on Hanna's birth was on her. Isn't that crazy?? Why? I'd like to find out why are these men behaving this way? Im happy to be taking up Psychology. Maybe one day with knowledge I'd understand better why these things happen and what is going through their minds. Lack of ajaran agama? kurang didikan from family? These men are even old enough if we say it's about maturity. They take a much longer time to ripe i suppose. Maturity is not at all about age factor. I suppose its the experience that you go through matures you. Any religion do not teach their Men to behave such way and to treat their Women this way. Not just that, I heard many stories about Men leaving their wives for other Women or some Men after awhile of marriage, they discover they're not meant to be married. Sighhh... I sighhh long for this! These are the factors of why Marriage scares the crap out of me! But, for us Muslims.. our weapon is our 'Doa'.
Here's something my Aunt told me and something I add on to it... Everytime you pray... the last sujud before our takhyat akhir once we finish our 'Subhanarabiala'lawabihamdih' 3 times, we recite our doa.. Pray to Allah, speak to Him as what I heard that, that gesture, the last sujud is the closest spiritually that we are with Him. Doa for what kind of Men you want. I'd doa for a Man with Eeman, who can guide me and my future zuriat, who would love me endlessly, who can take me to Jannah, who would love and respect my parents and family, who loves his and responsible towards his Mum,who is responsible towards Me, his wife and also Mampu to take care of his future family. So, what's your doa? For the single ladies (Beyonce's song is ringing in my head now) put yo hands up! and lets start doa, hoping we wont end up being these women. Hoping and Praying that we'll be the lucky ones.
Jazakallah Khayran,
Wassalam
X
Hari ni at exactly 12:43 pm the time i am starting to write.. I shall write about as you can see up there, the title is 'Women'. Yes, 'Women'. What about Women? I'm not even sure if I'm even cut out to write about Women and not even sure I am a woman yet. So, what is a Woman? The dictionary says its the female human being, an adult female person,a female attendant to a lady of rank,a wife, a sweetheart or paramour;mistress (whuuutt???) These are the definition of the word 'Woman' in the dictionary but in your very own point of view... what is a Woman? what are Women? Yes, a plural of women (obviously) but what is ur definition of a Woman?
In my point of view, I can define it in one word which is STRONG. I grew up around women that are strong, well at least I was raised by one. My mother, she is the strongest person I know. The most patient, the most strongest, a woman I personally admire most. Apart from my mother whom I love and admire most, I saw women in front of me as I grew.. They were mistreated, they were left by husbands, they raised their own kids, they're the ones who go out to cari rezeki to put food on the table for their kids. Well, for me... my mother's case was different. 18 years of my life, i lived in a perfect imperfect world where I had both of my parents but for personal reasons I know what my Mum had to go through. Lets let that remain private. I'm not here to talk about my Mum but I'm here to talk about how these other women that I've seen go through their lives. Contoh terdekat is my sister, Kak Jihan. Married twice, 1st husband left when my nephew, Harris was 3 months old. Never gave nafkah, never took the responsibility. 2nd marriage, he was in his own world. Suka hati nak balik, tak nak balik during the marriage. Left after a week or less after my niece, Hanna was born. Never gave nafkah, even the hospital bill on Hanna's birth was on her. Isn't that crazy?? Why? I'd like to find out why are these men behaving this way? Im happy to be taking up Psychology. Maybe one day with knowledge I'd understand better why these things happen and what is going through their minds. Lack of ajaran agama? kurang didikan from family? These men are even old enough if we say it's about maturity. They take a much longer time to ripe i suppose. Maturity is not at all about age factor. I suppose its the experience that you go through matures you. Any religion do not teach their Men to behave such way and to treat their Women this way. Not just that, I heard many stories about Men leaving their wives for other Women or some Men after awhile of marriage, they discover they're not meant to be married. Sighhh... I sighhh long for this! These are the factors of why Marriage scares the crap out of me! But, for us Muslims.. our weapon is our 'Doa'.
Here's something my Aunt told me and something I add on to it... Everytime you pray... the last sujud before our takhyat akhir once we finish our 'Subhanarabiala'lawabihamdih' 3 times, we recite our doa.. Pray to Allah, speak to Him as what I heard that, that gesture, the last sujud is the closest spiritually that we are with Him. Doa for what kind of Men you want. I'd doa for a Man with Eeman, who can guide me and my future zuriat, who would love me endlessly, who can take me to Jannah, who would love and respect my parents and family, who loves his and responsible towards his Mum,who is responsible towards Me, his wife and also Mampu to take care of his future family. So, what's your doa? For the single ladies (Beyonce's song is ringing in my head now) put yo hands up! and lets start doa, hoping we wont end up being these women. Hoping and Praying that we'll be the lucky ones.
AMIN.
Jazakallah Khayran,
Wassalam
X
Friday 7 September 2012
Mi Viage
Bismillahirrahmanirrahim...
Assalamualaikum,
I needed a place to express, and i needed a place where I could write as it has been so long since i have. Now that I've started college and i need to get back to writing, I'm a lil' rusty here and there. My words dont seem to come out well enough and my ideas dont seem to flow so here I am, making another blog to express myself thus, to brush up my writing. ANYWAY! Motive of being here is to express, maybe to share, to inspire (as if im inspiring enough -___-) maybe my stories could turn out to be lessons to some and maybe an awareness. Who knows? and just cause I want to!
It's been years since I've blogged! I googled my old blog and read through and actually laughed and literally wanted to puke. How immature and adorable it was but that's the process of life. I might look at this blog years after and laugh again to it! We grow, our minds change, we mature, we develop. Anyway, I hope I'm actually making some sense!
'Mi Viage', to me spanish is such a sexy language. The sound to it as they speak makes me melt. 'Mi Viage' translated in English is 'My Journey' so this entry is about well... Me and my journey. It is my blog so it is of course about Mua! ;P It's been almost 7 months since I hijrah. It's been a pleasure and a blessing to have received His hidayah. I personally think it's the best decision I have ever made. I remember the 'Big Day' well enough. It was on the 12th of February 2012. It was on the day that I had my JPJ test. I was not so nervous about the driving test but i was juggling between should I or should I not take a step which was a huge step to actually change my lifestyle, change EVERYTHING about myself.
Alhamdulillah, I passed my driver's test with no complications and just when I passed, I drove home and was so sure that I wanted to do this. I got home, went upstairs and bathed and put on my maxi skirt and a black long sleeved cotton tshirt and I went in my sister's room and grabbed one of her shawls. Kak Jihan which is my second sister made the first move about a year ago. My change was after my eldest sister, KakFa who hijrah the day before I did. Anyway, I went downstairs and found Mama and KakJihan downstairs having breakfast and I asked KakJihan to show me how to put on the shawl properly and so she did and after that, I never took off the shawl. I never left the house without covering my aurah. A pure blessing. Everything else followed after. I never dared to leave my solat. Im more cautious with words I use. I can say that I think,I'm really taking care of my relationship with my parents especially my Mum. Covering my aurah and doing whatever it is us Muslims are directed to do by Allah s.w.t doesn't mean we're perfect. We try to be better people, better servants to Allah s.w.t. I keep in mind that we're never better than others. We are all the same, I just wanna be better for Him and I just want to keep the process of my hijrah going everyday.
This all came to me as I finished my SPM last year. I'd be awaken from my sleep at approx 4am in the morning and thinking of what would happen to me? Questions like "What if I die tomorrow?" "Apa nak jadi ni, solat tak jaga?" "Bila nak berubah?" were playing in my mind. Allah is Great... I think it is what KakFa calls it 'Magic' from Allah s.w.t. It was a way of Him opening my heart to actually lead me to his path actually rescuing me from my awful AWFUL sins. I also thought of my father. For daughters who are not married, whoever goes out from the house and exposing your aurah to the people that are not ur muhrim, its your father who is going to carry all that load of sins! Astaghfirullahalazim, that made me go more crazier! Months and months past, and hey! here I am hoping to be better. I cant thank Allah s.w.t enough.
I also started baking! Ironically, I dont even like cakes. I dont eat them, never been a fan of them but rezeki from Allah s.w.t He gave me the ability to and guess what? People love them! Now, i even sell them! Its crazy and ironic and also a blessing at the same time. My maid also ran away a few weeks after that, and I was known as the malas one but since my maid ran away, my kerajinan took place and now I wash and I clean! Hijrah is in the form of everything... not just spiritually, but in every aspect of yourself. Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah... Syukur Alhamdulillah. I really hope this will maintain and He wont take this away from me. I pray to hijrah everyday, Insyaallah.
Some come to me and ask how do I change? how do I get to that path? Well, it all depends on yourself and making a reality check on why are you living on this earth? Everything is for Allah s.w.t. Isn't it? Whatever you do is for Him and no one else. Some are afraid of leaving all that they are used to such as a social life, those clothes that shows off our gems well... I was there too, i too worry the same things before but when your heart is at the right place, those factors would not be an issue anymore. You just might be making the best decision EVER! It all depends on you... ;)
Wassalam,
Jazakallah Khayran
x
Assalamualaikum,
I needed a place to express, and i needed a place where I could write as it has been so long since i have. Now that I've started college and i need to get back to writing, I'm a lil' rusty here and there. My words dont seem to come out well enough and my ideas dont seem to flow so here I am, making another blog to express myself thus, to brush up my writing. ANYWAY! Motive of being here is to express, maybe to share, to inspire (as if im inspiring enough -___-) maybe my stories could turn out to be lessons to some and maybe an awareness. Who knows? and just cause I want to!
It's been years since I've blogged! I googled my old blog and read through and actually laughed and literally wanted to puke. How immature and adorable it was but that's the process of life. I might look at this blog years after and laugh again to it! We grow, our minds change, we mature, we develop. Anyway, I hope I'm actually making some sense!
'Mi Viage', to me spanish is such a sexy language. The sound to it as they speak makes me melt. 'Mi Viage' translated in English is 'My Journey' so this entry is about well... Me and my journey. It is my blog so it is of course about Mua! ;P It's been almost 7 months since I hijrah. It's been a pleasure and a blessing to have received His hidayah. I personally think it's the best decision I have ever made. I remember the 'Big Day' well enough. It was on the 12th of February 2012. It was on the day that I had my JPJ test. I was not so nervous about the driving test but i was juggling between should I or should I not take a step which was a huge step to actually change my lifestyle, change EVERYTHING about myself.
Alhamdulillah, I passed my driver's test with no complications and just when I passed, I drove home and was so sure that I wanted to do this. I got home, went upstairs and bathed and put on my maxi skirt and a black long sleeved cotton tshirt and I went in my sister's room and grabbed one of her shawls. Kak Jihan which is my second sister made the first move about a year ago. My change was after my eldest sister, KakFa who hijrah the day before I did. Anyway, I went downstairs and found Mama and KakJihan downstairs having breakfast and I asked KakJihan to show me how to put on the shawl properly and so she did and after that, I never took off the shawl. I never left the house without covering my aurah. A pure blessing. Everything else followed after. I never dared to leave my solat. Im more cautious with words I use. I can say that I think,I'm really taking care of my relationship with my parents especially my Mum. Covering my aurah and doing whatever it is us Muslims are directed to do by Allah s.w.t doesn't mean we're perfect. We try to be better people, better servants to Allah s.w.t. I keep in mind that we're never better than others. We are all the same, I just wanna be better for Him and I just want to keep the process of my hijrah going everyday.
This all came to me as I finished my SPM last year. I'd be awaken from my sleep at approx 4am in the morning and thinking of what would happen to me? Questions like "What if I die tomorrow?" "Apa nak jadi ni, solat tak jaga?" "Bila nak berubah?" were playing in my mind. Allah is Great... I think it is what KakFa calls it 'Magic' from Allah s.w.t. It was a way of Him opening my heart to actually lead me to his path actually rescuing me from my awful AWFUL sins. I also thought of my father. For daughters who are not married, whoever goes out from the house and exposing your aurah to the people that are not ur muhrim, its your father who is going to carry all that load of sins! Astaghfirullahalazim, that made me go more crazier! Months and months past, and hey! here I am hoping to be better. I cant thank Allah s.w.t enough.
I also started baking! Ironically, I dont even like cakes. I dont eat them, never been a fan of them but rezeki from Allah s.w.t He gave me the ability to and guess what? People love them! Now, i even sell them! Its crazy and ironic and also a blessing at the same time. My maid also ran away a few weeks after that, and I was known as the malas one but since my maid ran away, my kerajinan took place and now I wash and I clean! Hijrah is in the form of everything... not just spiritually, but in every aspect of yourself. Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah... Syukur Alhamdulillah. I really hope this will maintain and He wont take this away from me. I pray to hijrah everyday, Insyaallah.
Some come to me and ask how do I change? how do I get to that path? Well, it all depends on yourself and making a reality check on why are you living on this earth? Everything is for Allah s.w.t. Isn't it? Whatever you do is for Him and no one else. Some are afraid of leaving all that they are used to such as a social life, those clothes that shows off our gems well... I was there too, i too worry the same things before but when your heart is at the right place, those factors would not be an issue anymore. You just might be making the best decision EVER! It all depends on you... ;)
Wassalam,
Jazakallah Khayran
x
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