Do You Believe?

Assalamualaikum w.b.t

If my blog was physical, I would probably be dusting it right now. I haven't opened it nor have I shared anything in here for so long until recently I found my drive to write. I posted on my Instagram a photo of Ikram and I and my baby bump and shared a bit of my pregnancy journey and how before the pregnancy, it was pressurizing that people kept asking if I'm pregnant. Little that I knew that the post was shared on Twitter first then later on sites like Ohbulan and then it grew like mushrooms. People were tagging me on beritapremium, and few other blogs. To be honest, I was a little upset that it was shared without my consent as I knew nothing about it. I was taken aback when I noticed that women started going over to my Instagram profile, following and sharing their experiences as well.

Despite feeling a little upset, I forgot all about it when I saw women sharing their stories and how they felt after reading that it gave them hope and they felt that they weren't alone. I was glad that with that little post, I got to reach out to these women and that this issue is finally talked about. 

What made me write about it if U ask me... 

When I was much younger, I knew people who were married for so long and tak dapat-dapat rezeki anak and some chose to just stay away from socializing around family, not attending family events, gatherings and so on. People talked about their situation, kahwin dah lama, tak dapat-dapat anak. When they do turn up to functions, orang tanya "Dah ada anak?" and then when they shut themselves out from family, orang duk tanya kenapa tak join, "Alaaa tak akan pasal questions macam tu pun nak jadikan alasan tak nak join family gatherings?" I dint understand back then. Me being the observant type, I just observed until I started studying Psychology which is what I'm currently majoring on. I understood better that we are all different, we all have different levels of sensitivity. Not everyone responds to situations similarly. Mungkin ada orang yang dah kahwin lama, tapi tak dapat anak but they feel content with their lives, dorang redha and ada orang pulak with the same situation, takes it differently, the opposite. Redha takes a lot of work and it depends on the individual. And feeling content? That's a whole other story too. 

Then, I got married and here's my story.... 

Old story, if you follow me on my Instagram, read my older posts on my blog, then U'd know how I got married and how fast it was. I'm the kind who doesn't jump into things without thinking thoroughly. I sometimes think waaay ahead which was sometimes bad but it came handy especially on deciding big things like marriage. I had just a few months, 9 months to be exact from the time Ikram and his parents came and dealt about everything with my mum, to bertunang and to our wedding day to prepare myself emotionally to be married. Looking back, I realized, I was concentrating on being married to Ikram and adapting to marriage and building our lives together but I left out the baby part. As we got married, I wanted to take things slow. I wanted to get to know my husband, enjoy our time together, pergi honeymoon, I even thought that I wanted to finish my studies first then think of babies, that was my plan but Allah knew better. After a few months, I started feeling like there was something missing, having a baby started to grow on me especially when people started asking questions. Ikram never pressured me on it though deep inside I knew he wanted a baby. We both love kids, I have my nephews and nieces whom I watched grow up in front of my eyes, I've been practicing on handling babies since I was 16 so I thought why am I even postponing? And so we started trying... 

Allah wanted to test our patience... 

As soon as we both started trying, of course we became hopeful but every time miss flow (period) came to pay me an unwanted visit, I was always disappointed but redha in the first month or two. I honestly don't know if I had been married off to someone who reacted the opposite of how my husband responded to me and the situation, mungkin lagi stress kot. Ikram was always there to offer hugs and kisses and told me that it was okay, that we could always try again and reminded me that Allah is always with Us. No one knew we were trying, even our family. I suppose they all thought we had it all planned, mungkin lepas I finish my degree or that was what I made them think it was, that was my excuse to everyone who asked. I'm the kind who doesn't show others what's bothering me and if I'm having problems unless I want to but most of the time, I keep them to myself especially when it comes to my marriage. Come on, semua orang ada masalah tapi selagi boleh handle, why tell others? It's my problem anyways. Plus, even if I did share, I dint want all that sympathy thrown at me and that "Dont worry, Allah has other plans for U, In shaa Allah dia akan kasi" the things that I could tell my own self, the things that yes, was true but things I already knew. I hated it. I prefer people not to worry about me cause most of the time, I can handle my own issues and this issue, I knew I would only need my husband and his encouragement and comfort. Months passed and still no positive sign on the pregnancy stick. I was starting to get irritated and losing hope tambah lagi, bila orang duk tanya "Dah pregnant?" and I was gaining some marriage weight too which I find completely normal but apparently fat means pregnant to others. Bila post gambar dekat social media, nampak macam berisi sikit, "are you pregnant?" questions started to get to me because honestly, we were trying so imagine putting a smile on my face and answering "belum lagi, just fat" padahal here I am on the other end, rasa macam nak campak phone tu while I reply that. Pergi kenduri jangan cakap lah, of course dapat typical questions. It was frustrating. When I got married not long after, two of my close friends from college too got married. One got married 2 days after I did, and the other one got married few months after and both of them were pregnant before me it's just that, when the first one got pregnant, I dint feel anything because I wasn't really thinking about babies and wasn't even trying but when my second friend, the one who got married months after we did, when she got pregnant, masa tu dah terasa because I was trying during that time. I was so happy for both of them but I was upset that it wasn't happening for me. Of course it isn't a competition, it was far from that but just because I was trying, that's why it hit me and then some friends started to make 'innocent' jokes about how im taking so long to get pregnant that I should this and I should that and laughed about it. I laughed at them too but inside, only God knew. I continued being me, trying to look and act all strong. I now understood way better why people get depressed over this. 

I started questioning what was wrong with me. I'm 21, according to science and most people, I'm young, I should be very fertile but I was challenged. My family never had a problem with conceiving so maybe it was just me I thought. There were days I'd cry to my husband, sometimes being the cry baby he is, he'd cry with me and we'd console each other. I know it was hard for him too. It was hard for both of Us because we realized each month that we wanted a baby even more and more. I remember the day my sister in law gave birth which was 3 months ago, when I held my newborn niece, Ailla, I ran up to my husband and cried my heart out but little that I knew I was actually already pregnant but I just dint know it yet. 

September. 

September came, that month I felt different. I just came back from my dream honeymoon with my husband that I had to also patiently wait for. Orang selalunya, most commonly lepas kahwin terus pergi honeymoon kan? We dint. We dint know where exactly to go. I know the easiest option would be going somewhere that had a beautiful beach just like anyone else but bila dah pakai tudung ni, bila imagine beach, air, panas, it wasn't really an ideal honeymoon spot for me. Then tiba-tiba, somewhere in March, MAS was having ticket promotions, my husband said "Jom, pergi London!" it was a trip with my sister in laws. Kakngah was already in UK studying her masters masa tu and Kak Lin, my elder sister in law planned to go there and travel to Spain. Ikram knew I've always wanted to go to Paris since I was 8 years old because of my sad story which I shall bore U with. When I was 8, my classmate, Afan whose father is a pilot told me that he was flying off to Paris and before that, I've always thought that Paris was some wonderland that dint exist so since then, I've always wanted to go. No ye, I dint go sebab of all the cliche reasons, most romantic city in the world or whatever but because of my 8year old reason and so Ikram planned that we'd follow them to UK and Spain and then we'd be off to our honeymoon just the two of us in Paris. Trust me I was so taken aback by his decision! It was a dream come true! So we bought our tickets in March and left in August. Another reason why patience pays off ;) 

ANYWAY, coming back to the story... September felt different. I think when we came back from our honeymoon, I got all sad from being back to facing reality and being all Monica from FRIENDS if U do watch FRIENDS then U could relate it. I felt like I dint have anything to look forward to and back to reminding myself of baby issues. I started reciting the Quran even more than I did before. At least each time after every waktu solat, I started to make doa even more and more precise every sujud, I started rubbing my tummy and reciting ayat kursi after each waktu solat and yes, there are a lot more doas and ayat Quran that U can hafal and practice each time after solat that U can ask people or google on too. I started doing more though just like before, to calm myself and assure myself, I always kept in mind that biar Allah kasi lambat asalkan it is for the better. Can U imagine wanting a baby then Allah kasi pinjam sekejap je? I cant imagine. It would kill me so let it take time, Allah knows when is the best time for both Ikram and I. End of the month came and I was late, I tried not to be so hopeful just like previous months, I told myself to wait sampai October. I waited and waited and the red flag dint come. Every time I was eager to run to the pharmacy to get myself a pregnancy stick, I had to remind myself to wait even longer to avoid disappointments. 

On the 29th of September, I really couldn't wait. I remember habis je class, on my way back home, I stopped by the pharmacy. I remember going to Guardian TTDI, imagine lah, dah lah anxious ni nak beli and balik and check tapi tiba-tiba ada my niece baru start kerja situ that greeted me. Damn, I thought! I dont want her to know I was getting a pregnancy test, what if it was negative and she'd ask me the next time we met, mesti she'd feel sorry for me (me being paranoid -__-), so what did I get? A johnsson&johnsson baby bath shower cream! Because it was the first thing I saw. I could've just gotten gum, ish! Anyway, I got out quick, went to the other pharmacy and bought myself two pregnancy sticks. One old school type and one digital and went home and peed it off! Ikram was getting ready to go to work, I did it all in the other room so he dint have to know I was taking tests and if it was negative, he wouldn't have to know anything. I couldnt imagine showing him my disappointment again and make him worry or whatever. And so, I peed on both, and both came out positive. I couldn't believe it. I wanted to cry but I was just stunned. I went to my room, showed Ikram and he was stunned too and asked "Apa tuu?" "what does that mean??" I told him I was pregnant, well according to the stick I was. We hugged and I made him cry. I couldnt cry, I was just in shocked still. He left for work. I did my zohur, sujud syukur, all praises to Allah. Alhamdulillah, it finally happened. We went for a check up, we got to see our little soybean on the ultrasound, it was surreal. I found out that I was already 6 weeks pregnant by then. MashAllah, with excitement came feeling scared too, cause the early stage is always fragile. I dint wanna lose it but Alhamdulillah, now I'm in my second trimester, 4th month this month. Baby's healthy according to my doctor. I'm counting days to the 30th which is next Wednesday now for our next check up. We should already know what's the gender by then and I cant wait to know so we could start shopping for stuff, well bit by bit of course. 

I know our test was just 6 months from the the day we started trying, memang tak sama dengan ujian orang lain yang dah bertahun-tahun kahwin. I read all the comments that was shared on my Instagram, a bit from Ohbulan readers too. Ours was nothing compared to others. It was heartbreaking to read. Ada yang kena tanya "tak pandai buat ke?" Astaghfirullah. Not the first time I heard about this honestly. It was interesting reading the comments on these sites that shared my story. Ada yang rasa macam ni pun nak kecoh?, ada yang rasa issue ni tak lah severe and kita tak boleh tutup mulut orang untuk bertanya soalan-soalan ni yang biasa. Betul, I can agree to that. Kita tak boleh tutup mulut orang yang tanya insensitive questions just to make a conversation with us, who can? but my whole point in sharing this was because, I want it to be talked about because no one should feel like they're alone in this. Feel free to go over to my Instagram, read the comments that these women shared, bukan satu, bukan dua, ramai yang share even on the other sites that shared my story. Read the comments. It's so common to be going through all this and it isn't rare so before you say, biasa lah, know that U probably did not have to go through the same thing as others had to. Maybe things were easy for U that U dint have to go through it. Offer hope to others not sympathy, offer positive encouragement, be a true friend, a partner or whatever you are to someone. 

For the man who we call a Husband....

When your wife is going through hard times like these, know that she needs U more than anyone else. Know that Ur support means so much to her and know that every time she fails, she feels disappointed in disappointing U too. Siapa lagi nak faham kalau bukan suami kan? Kalau isteri rasa insecure, make her feel secured, know that it takes a team to make it work. Times like these, U are all that she needs so be there for her, sama-sama dekatkan diri dengan Allah. Keep her in all Ur doas, in every sujud. Ur wife is also amanah from Allah, so it is Ur job to be there through susah senang, to be a 'functioning' husband.

I cant imagine if my husband was very negative towards me and the situation, I could have been in depression lagi-lagi since I am not the kind who shares much with others. My husband was the one who kept me sane and who reminded me of Allah constantly which gave me hope every time and I guess our experience made Us both grow even closer than ever to each other. Tests are not supposed to make U grow further apart, they're supposed to make U even stronger together as a team, as husband and wife. 

Allah has planned everything for everyone perfectly...

Do you believe that Allah has planned everything accordingly for U? Tailor made. I learned that, Allah has given Us the capacity of patience in Us yang sesuai dengan 'package' yang dia kasi kita. In other words, dugaan. Yes, we have the amount of patience to deal with each test Allah kasi because Allah will never burden Us with things we cannot handle. 

Do you believe that, if Allah doesn't give U want U want now in this life, he will grant Ur doa in Jannah? Makes me think, dunia ni sementara, syurga tu selamanya so which one do we want? To have it as a pinjaman sementara or to have it forever?

What's the key for all this? 'Sabar' , yes Patience. Ganjaran sabar tu, Allah akan redeem setimpal or even more with the patience we give. 

Do you believe that if in this life dia tak kasi kita apa yang kita nak, dia kasi kita rezeki yang lain? We just have to count our blessings even for the things we don't have. 

For those who are still waiting, 

Trust me... I have seen orang yang tunggu 10 tahun nak ada anak, and suddenly gets one. It's either cepat atau lambat. Rezeki kita semua lain-lain. When I think back, I'm glad I was tested to wait for my rezeki untuk dapatkan anak. I had the chance to spend all my time with my husband for the past year, I got the chance to get to know him, learned more about myself, strengthen our marriage,got the chance to fill up some ilmu in me, got the chance to go on my dream honeymoon, got myself even more closer to Allah. Anak ni amanah Allah, bukan senang nak bring up another human being, to care for someone other than Urself. Nak ada anak kena ada ilmu, U have to be prepared, U have to want it badly too so that U know U would take good care of amanah Allah because U know it wasn't easy to get it, so U wouldn't take it for granted. I spent my time observing and still am observing now, what's good parenting and what is not. Thank god for majoring in Psychology, I learned more about it too. Raising a child isn't easy, my lecturer once said "Some people are not fit to become parents" and I dont want to be one of them. So bila Allah test us with our patience, kasi kita time frame, gunakanlah that time to be prepared, emotionally, mentally, physically, financially, in all ways, whether it's for a baby, kahwin or whatever else. To be strong, to have faith, to have hope is with ilmu. Ultimately, know Ur creator, know Allah. 

And for those who shared their story, yang mungkin juga kahwin awal like I did who said that ada yang tak kasi ada anak, tunggu sampai habis belajar. Well, I had people who told me the same too. I never really took it seriously. Lantak lah apa orang nak cakap. It's no longer up to them cause U only please Ur husband and of course Allah. Like they quoted me "Bila Allah nak kasi, dia kasi lah" exactly that. Allah decides for U not them. As for rezeki, percaya tak kalau Allah kasi rezeki anak, dia akan kasi kita rezeki lebih lagi? Just like kahwin, ada rezeki kahwin. How does it work? How does it happen? It is by believing that He will and make plenty of doa, get Urself closer to Him. Allah says "Take one step towards me, I will take ten steps towards U. Walk towards me, I will run towards U." That always makes me emotional, it's my favorite.

Sometimes Allah can surprise U in ways U dont even expect. Trust me, In shaa Allah. 

As for me, I'm still learning every step, I can say I'm never in my comfortable zone, I'm always cautious but I'm going with the flow and enjoying my pregnancy journey. Though I've passed the fragile fetus period but U just never know so I'm always praying to Allah so that he protects both my baby and I. Dia lah sebaik-baik pelindung. I hope you will pray for me too as I will pray for you especially those who left comments and mintak doa, I will definitely and I hope those who also reads the comments, will make doa for them too. Kita sama-sama doakan for everyone. For those who shared Ur stories with me, I thank you and as cheesy as this may sound, know U're not alone because somewhere there's someone who is going through the same thing as U are. Most importantly, don't lose hope in Allah. Tests is supposed to make U even closer to Him and when He finally grants U Ur doa, never forget Him, grow even much more closer to Him. That's also a reminder to myself. 

I'm sending all the women my love, doa and warm hugs, may Allah bring Us closer to Him, In shaa Allah, Ameen.