What is written for you will always be destined for you...

We usually mourn of lost. Losing someone, goodbyes, people leaving or even if it was you who was the one who had to close the door. It doesn't really matter who, just someone who was once so close to you, who was a part of your life, someone who meant a lot to you. It doesn't specifically have to be a lover, it could even be a friend. The only constant thing in life is change. Everything changes. Sometimes it rains, sometimes in shines and sometimes it's gloomy. At a certain part of our lives, we deal with losing people we love and its coping with the change that's challenging or maybe it isn't so challenging? Or at least we think it isn't.

As for me, I'm the kind who mourns over lost, over people leaving and I'm never good at goodbyes even if it was one of those 'see you next month' goodbyes. My cousin lives in Singapore, as you all may already know, Kak Fazreen. We've been the closest since we were small. As much as I love it when she's here, I cry every time (well, most of the time. Sometimes, I just keep it all inside. konon kuat) when she goes back. Even now that I'm married, I still hate saying goodbye every time she leaves. I'm the emotionally attached kinda gal. I can't help it. 

I'd instantly feel those chest pains, like it really just hurts right there in your chest, just as I digest that someone left or in a situation that is over. But here's the thing I have also been in a situation where I lost someone who was so meaningful in my life but as major as he was in my life, when things ended, it dint hit me so hard as I thought it would. I felt sad but not to the extend I thought I would feel when someone who I was so used in having everyday for years, stepped out of my life. I knew I put a stop to it, I knew I gave it my all, I knew I tried so hard to make things work. I guess you just don't mourn when you know you're tired and exhausted and when you know saying goodbye was the best solution.

Here's the twist, it wasn't really over. It was just pending to be felt....

Note that, before you read... bear in mind that this should be taken as an example, a teladan. I'm happy if we could all learn from each other's experience or if you could read this and this fits your shoe as well then we're in the same boat and we could relate to each other. 

As you may all know, I'm now happily married to such a loving husband that I'm very thankful to have and if you ask me, I wouldn't trade my life for anything. I'm just right where I want to be but as happy as I am, as content as I am sometimes ghosts in your past will come haunt U. It's just how strong you are to really stand without letting it get to you and make you fall. 

We all have our pasts, we all have people who we used to love, who was in your life who you thought was the one but Allah knows best and sometimes the ending could really surprise you. As they say, life is filled with surprises. 

Few years ago, before I was engaged then married, I was very much involved with another person who I thought was the one. We were together for about 3 years. I guess it was with him that made me think of marriage and really sorting out what I wanted with my future. We tried so hard to make things work, it took a lot of work, time,effort and not to forget, a lot of tears but in the end, it never really worked. It just couldn't work. It was family issues, and just a lot of other issues that couldn't make us progress into another level and so as I grew tired and felt like this was taking too much time and the future seemed so blurry and I decided to walkaway from something I knew, for the very first time, I built with such hard work. As I left, it wasn't easy but I was okay. I dint feel as much as I probably should and though I was confused with these feelings that I did not show up. I was happy that it dint destroy me as I thought it would. I guess, I'd have to thank my distractions.  

As soon as I left things, and stopped trying to push everything to work. I finally surrendered and let Allah lead me and I guess, I was led. I was led to my husband. It dint take much effort, it dint take much time, it was just smooth sailing and everything that was so hard, became so easy. I shouldn't really ramble on that area so much, cause I went on and on on how easy it was on my post on my engagement and the part when I got married . I mean, i love my husband and I think he knows that I think he's super awesome!

Few months ago, I bumped into him with a friend of mine when I was back in TTDI. Unfortunately we live in the same neighborhood! It was impossible not to see each other's cars on the road or bump into our regular mamak place. He told me that he was getting engaged. It was also an arranged one, well except it was very arranged for him by his ustaz. They only met a few times and both families agreed to have them wed. When I heard, in full honesty, I was thrilled. I was so happy for him. I really dint feel anything. I guess I was just so over him. Until, recently my family had an intimate kenduri kesyukuran over at my family's place and my neighbor who also a friend of his' attended and we got the chance to catch up for a bit. He told me that, that guy was getting married tomorrow which was yesterday. I kinda stumbled in my words after, i felt that kick cause I guess it was real but I was still in my 'Okay' phase and then yesterday came. Of course I had his family members on my facebook, so of course pictures were on my timeline. 

There, it was real. It happened. Both of us moved on, and both married in a way where we dint really had to try hard, work hard. I mean, imagine working and forcing something to happen and it dint but with another person, it dint take much effort but it worked. Begitu besarnya kuasa Allah sebenarnya. I've heard of these stories many times, but I took them as just stories until kena batang hidung sendiri. I was that girl and he was that guy yang bercinta bertahun-tahun but in the end got married to someone else. 

What I meant by that 'kick' wasn't that feeling where I wanted to go back in time, and change things or those severe chest pains and heartaches. If you ask me, things worked out for the best. I wouldn't change anything at all. I wouldn't change who my husband is because it's all in place and its perfect, my kind of perfect. I knew it was normal to feel what I felt, that kick. I'm just human and an emotional, no VERY emotional one. Sometimes, things take its time to digest but in the end, I say feel what you feel and then let it go. Because sometimes things demand to be felt. Just let it out of your system. Its part of being human. I talked to friends about this and Im grateful for them. I just wanted to be understood and not misunderstood for any of my feelings. They tell me its normal to feel what I felt and I guess it is. 

All this, taught me a lot about life. I used to complain so much, I question why do I have to go through all this at an early age? I'm going through probably a 30 year old's problem! But as Mak Jah from Keluarga Iskandar said "Allah dah set from the top" (I hate malay dramas, but keluarga Iskandar, is my favorite!) I wouldn't be who I am today if I dint go through pain, and experience. Semuanya ada hikmah. I understand better now, that if you surrender to Allah, and just stop trying to stir you boat in your terms and put it in Allah's, things will turn out beautifully, In shaa Allah. If something is meant for you, it will always be for you. You just have to believe and sometimes, stop being a control freak trying to control everything because it's Allah who determines for you, not you. 

PS: as for friends, if your friend comes up to you for a shoulder to cry on, and a place to just say things she wont mean about a situation, just try to understand, be a good friend and layankan je their feelings. Don't go all, "dah lah, let it go. doakan terbaik" and bla bla bla. LAYANKAN JE. Trust me, its just a short phase BUT if it turns it into a not so short phase, then take out ur weapons! ;p Be good friends to listen, and try to understand even if you dont and take their experience and learn something out of it. It might benefit you too one day, who knows?